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Jokes

Thanks Jill!

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just great Stuff)

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one' s tall enough to go on the good rides.

Chretien

Reading this story, I was struck by how frank prime minister Chretien was. He was criticizing Bush for his huge deficits. Good one, Jean!

The little cry-baby.

Well when you put it that way, I must be a Liberal too!

Wow, a politician who actually 'gets it'. He must read Slashdot in his spare time.

Mounted my Disc Brake

Canada decriminalizing cannabis

The Liberals tabled legislation decriminalizing marijuana today. Yea! It's about time. Although I don't smoke weed anymore, I know a lot of people who do and I have no desire to see their lives ruined because they choose to smoke a joint after work rather than go for a beer.

Its not passed yet tho. And the TV newscast said the furthest it could get this session would be second reading. That means it would have to be passed in the fall session, assuming there is one. Justice Minister Martin Cauchon said he wants to get this bill passed by the end of the year, so hopefully it will get through. All parties in the house support this legislation, except the Alliance party, predictably enough. And all the candidates to succeed Chretien support it, so it looks good.

And they say the weed today is so much more potent than the weed of yesteryear. Yeah, right!

Hot

Holy shit it was hot today! 28º C

The Buffy Addiction

A while back, the Canadian cable channel Space aquired the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer and they began showing it all the time. I had never watched this show and I kind of resented how it took over the whole schedule, so I kind of boycotted the show just on principle.

Then they had a Buffy marathon on Monday, the Victoria Day holiday.

I had the tv on, not intending to watch anything, just had it on while I did other things. And I had it tuned in to the Buffy marathon. Big mistake. I started watching it a bit. It was the 'best' shows as chosen by the fans. Next thing I know, I've watched like five episodes and I'm totally engrossed in this thing. They chose the musical episode as number one, and I must say, it was pretty good. Number two was one called "Hush", with this freaky ghouls trying to steal people's hearts [literally] and everybody had laryngitis [? they couldn't talk] It was really cool. And funny.

So I'm hooked. I've been watching the show every night since and I'm thinking of collecting the DVDs. The really stupid thing is, the day I got wired on this show, is the day they aired the final episode. So that's it for the series, there won't be any more new shows. Talk about coming late to the party, sheesh.

Free Food

When I came home today, I was checking my empty fucking mail box when one of my neighbours came out and asked if I wanted all the food in his fridge. After looking at him like 'oh yeah, I'm gonna fall for that one', I said sure and I got a bunch a food from him. It's probably laced with cyanide or something. Or he spit in it. It's all unopened, but I think there's a way to open shit and reseal them after you spit in them. I think he's moving far away and he's selling all his wordly possesions. Or maybe he joined one of those weird cults where you can't own anything. Not even your clothes, you have to run out into a field naked and burn them all. Or maybe he's a terrorist and he's dumpimg all his shit before heading out on his mission. After all, you can't take any of your shit with you on your way to valhallastan or wherever they go after blowing up blaspheming infidels.

Holy shit, what did they put in my Big Gulp???

7•11

So I go to 7-eleven to get a Big Gulp™ refill [1.3 liters] and the sign says up to 1.3 liters 89¢ | over 1.3 liters $1.19. Now since my 1.3 liter cup is certainly not over 1.3 liters, then I should get the refill for 89¢, right? Well the guy at the counter rings it up as 89¢, but then says I should have charged you $1.19. I'm like WTF? I point out to him what the sign says and he hums and haws and says just have a nice day blah blah blah. I don't mind paying more, but if they want to charge more, they should change the fucking sign.

Needless to say, they are all dead.

Waiting for ever

Today I'm pissed off. I'm waiting to get something in the mail that was supposedly sent two weeks ago and I still haven't received it. It's the mounting bracket for my rear disc brake, which I ordered over the internet. The place I ordered the brake from sent me a front when I had ordered a rear [it says so right on the invoice!] so they said send us the front mounting bracket and we will send you the rear, as that is the only difference between a front and a rear. Well, I sent them back the front and here it is almost two weeks later and I have yet to receive my replacement bracket. Bleh.

Meat Tree

Tree That Give Meat Instead Of Fruit!
This is just weird. What if they got they got this stuff mixed up with normal fruit? Biting into an apple and tasting liver. Yuck, that would suck.

Terrible Mr. G

This sounds way too familiar. [Mp3 with foul language]

A PERSON OF INTEREST

Just finished watching the Law & Order: Criminal Intent season finale and man, it was pretty good. Actually, it was a double-header, and the first one was rather run-of-the-mill, but the second one was a doozy. If you like this show at all, you've gotta check it out. It shows a side of the Bobby Goren character that we usually don't get to see. And guest star Olivia d'Abo's character is wickedly evil, geting under the usually unflappable detective's skin. Probably the best episode of this series.

Speaking of Vincent D'Onofrio, I saw him in the movie The Salton Sea recently and wow, he is almost unrecognisable as the extremely sick, twisted meth junkie/dealer Pooh Bear. Very cool movie, awesome actor.

Emilia Pre-molt

My Mexican redleg [Brachypelma emilia] is about to go into a molt, as you can see by her abdomen slowly turning black. I figure she'll molt in about two weeks.

Costa Rican zebra

Here's my Costa Rican zebra [Aphonopelma seemani] after molting. She looks virtually identical to the way she looked before molting.

ThunderSnowStorm

When I woke up this morning, the weatherman said it was snowing outside. Yuck, what a way to start the day. But by the time I had to go to work, most of the snow was gone and the streets were relatively dry. It was actually sunny out for most of the day, but it did grow colder and darker as the day wore on. By the time I was done for the day [I quit a bit early, it was dead today] it had begun to snow lightly.

Now it snowing like crazy. And there was some lightning and thunder earlier. And hail. Shit, I'm just glad I made it home before it got bad. It's the middle of May already, this is getting ridiculous. Make it stop.

Spider Molt 4

This is a closeup of the underside of her abdomen, it looks really weird with those black hairs sticking up. You can also see her long spinnerets and her book lungs.

Spider Molt 3

Here's another detail, this time showing her white fangs. As they dry they will turn a more normal black and harden so she can munch on some more crickets!

Spider Molt 2

Here's a detail pic showing the large hooks at the end of her legs. She sure is orange now! Wonder if her topside is still brown?

Spider Molt

I came home after work and saw this. Damn, I missed the big show! Oh well, can't wait till she flips over and I can see her new skin. This is a Costa Rican zebra [Aphonopelma seemani] by the way.

Fat Emilia

Here's my female Mexican redleg [Brachypelma emilia]. She ate a cricket yesterday, but I think I will stop feeding her for awhile. She's looking rather plump.

Clouds 2

Clouds 1

It was sunny on Monday, then these clouds moved in. It sprinkled a bit while at work, but luckily the major downpour didn't start till after I got home.

Petro Canada East Tower

On second thought, maybe that's the West Tower?

Tipping

The subject of tipping came up on MetaFilter yesterday, and all can say is I'm with Mr. White.

MR. ORANGE: He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

From Reservoir Dogs via Generational Terrorists:

NICE GUY EDDIE: Okay, everybody cough up green for the little lady.
NICE GUY EDDIE: C'mon, throw in a buck.

MR. WHITE: Uh-uh. I don't tip.

NICE GUY EDDIE: Whaddaya mean you don't tip?

MR. WHITE: I don't believe in it.

NICE GUY EDDIE: You don't believe in tipping?

MR. PINK: I love this kid, he's a madman, this guy.

MR. BLONDE: Do you have any idea what these ladies make? They make shit.

MR. WHITE: Don't give me that. She don't make enough money, she can quit.

NICE GUY EDDIE: I don't even know a Jew who'd have the balls to say that. So let's get this straight. You never ever tip?

MR. WHITE: I don't tip because society says I gotta. I tip when somebody deserves a tip. When somebody really puts forth an effort, they deserve a little something extra. But this tipping automatically, that shit's for the birds. As far as I'm concerned, they're just doin their job.

MR. BLUE: Our girl was nice.

MR. WHITE: Our girl was okay. She didn't do anything special.

MR. BLONDE: What's something special, take ya in the kitchen and suck your dick?

NICE GUY EDDIE: I'd go over twelve percent for that.

MR. WHITE Look, I ordered coffee. Now we've been here a long fuckin time, and she's only filled my cup three times. When I order coffee, I want it filled six times.

MR. BLONDE: What if she's too busy?

MR. WHITE: The words "too busy" shouldn't be in a waitress's vocabulary.

NICE GUY EDDIE: Excuse me, Mr. White, but the last thing you need is another cup of coffee.

MR. WHITE: These ladies aren't starvin to death. They make minimum wage. When I worked for minimum wage, I wasn't lucky enough to have a job that society deemed tipworthy.

NICE GUY EDDIE: Ahh, now we're getting down to it. It's not just that he's a cheap bastard--

MR. ORANGE: --It is that too--

NICE GUY EDDIE: --It is that too. But it's also he couldn't get a waiter job. You talk like a pissed off dishwasher: "Fuck those cunts and their fucking tips."

MR. BLONDE: So you don't care that they're counting on your tip to live?

MR. WHITE: Do you know what this is? It's the world's smallest violin, playing just for the waitresses.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MR. BLONDE: You don't have any idea what you're talking about. These people bust their ass. This is a hard job.
MR. WHITE: So's working at McDonald's, but you don't feel the need to tip them. They're servin ya food, you should tip em. But no, society says tip these guys over here, but not those guys over there. That's bullshit.

MR. ORANGE: They work harder than the kids at McDonald's.

MR. WHITE: Oh yeah, I don't see them cleaning fryers.

MR. BROWN: These people are taxed on the tips they make. When you stiff 'em, you cost them money.

MR. BLONDE: Waitressing is the number one occupation for female non-college graduates in this country. It's the one jab basically any woman can get, and make a living on. The reason is because of tips.

MR. WHITE: Fuck all that. Hey, I'm very sorry that the government taxes their tips. That's fucked up. But that ain't my fault. it would appear that waitresses are just one of the many groups the government fucks in the ass on a regular basis. You show me a paper says the government shouldn't do that, I'll sign it. Put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is play ball. And this non- college bullshit you're telling me, I got two words for that: "Learn to fuckin type." Cause if you're expecting me to help out with the rent, you're in for a big fuckin surprise.

MR. ORANGE: He's convinced me. Give me my dollar back.

JOE: Okay ramblers, let's get to rambling. Wait a minute, who didn't throw in?

MR. ORANGE: Mr. White.

JOE: Mr. White? Why?

MR. ORANGE: He don't tip.

JOE: He don't tip? You don't tip? Why?

MR. ORANGE: He don't believe in it.

JOE: He don't believe in it? You don't believe in it?

MR. ORANGE: Nope.

JOE: Shut up! Cough up the buck, ya cheap bastard, I paid for your goddamn breakfast.

MR. WHITE: Because you paid for the breakfast, I'm gonna tip. Normally I wouldn't.

JOE: Whatever. Just throw in your dollar, and let's move. See what I'm dealing with here. Infants. I'm fuckin dealin with infants.

Bike Work

Today I decided to do some much needed work on my bike. I cleaned it, which took much longer than I had hoped but it does look much better now. Then I installed my new flat bar and funky Odi grips. I changed back over to a flat bar because I never did get used to the riser bar. Plus I couldn't shorten the riser bar that much and it was way too wide for riding in traffic. Now my flat bar is really short and I'll have to get used to it all over again. I also installed these new Odi grips that have lock rings at both ends to keep your grips from rotating and facilitating easier changeovers when they wear out. I went for a ride and it felt good. Except the new grips started spinning around. [I forgot to tighten the locknuts down. Doh!]



To install the rear disc brake, I had to switch my front brake to the left brake lever. This presented a problem rounting the cable. I could run the cable on the outside of the forks, but that looked really ugly. Running it inside the forks was fine except it rubbed against the tire. So I used this zip tie to keep it out of the way. Those zip ties bust off pretty easily tho, so I later replaced it with shoestring. Good shoestring is really durable shit.

Afterwards, I thought I would finally install my rear disc brake. This did not go very well. After mounting the rotor to the wheel, I went to install the main assembly. It would not go on. I had noticed it said 'front' on the mounting bracket but I thought that just meant to orient it pointing to the front. [there was an arrow under where it said front] But no, after reading the documentation, front definately meant front brake. Dammit, the bike people sent me the wrong brake.

So I fired off an email to them and I hope they can send a proper mounting bracket to me before the week is out. Kinda sucks having that big rotor sitting there and not being able to use it.

Weekend

I'm still alive, haven't been posting lately because it's been snowing every freaking day this week. At the end of the day I would come home and just want to crash right out. Plus it was really busy at work this week, not sure why but everybody was sending out tons of crap. Now it's the weekend and it's nice and sunny out. Go figure.

LOTR

And when Precious goes we'll die, yes, die into the dust. Dusst!

Finished reading "Return of the King" today. Well, I finished the main story, there is also a couple hundred pages of appendices at the end. I probably won't read all those as they can be somewhat tedious. Anyway, after reading the whole trilogy, I have to say it was a pretty awesome achievement. Although it does drag a bit in some parts, most of it was a real joy to read. I liked the part where Gandalf confronts Saruman after the war with the Ents. I can't remember seeing that in the movie. They should have had it, Gandalf kicks his ass. Haha. [Sorry about the spoiler, like you didn't know]

So I read The Hobbit, followed by the Lord of the Rings trilogy and then I was going to end with The Silmarillion, but I'm not sure. I might need a break from Middle Earth.

U.S. warns Canada against easing pot laws

David Murray, right-hand man to U.S. "drug czar" John Walters, says he doesn't want to tread on another country's sovereignty, but...

You know, if all they were worried about is pot being smuggled across their border, I wouldn't have a problem with this. But of course, it's much more than that. This administration [Bush] wants us to fall inline with their policies and if we don't, then there will be repercussions. Its bullshit. So much for respecting sovereignty, or democracy for that matter.

Damn Canadians, Get with the Pogrom!

Also, Canadian laws and regulations intended to protect Canadian citizens and landed immigrants from government intrusion sometimes limit the depth of investigations

And this is a bad thing? Sometimes I think the government south of the border has totally lost its marbles.

This Weekend

Last Weekend

More Snow

Well I am somewhat over having bounced that cheque. I guess. As I'm typing this, snowflakes are begining to fall outside my window. Big, ugly ones. Damn, when will this madness end. Aren't we halfway through spring already? It's like an abonimation. Last year was even worse, it totally snowed like crazy right through spring. Anyway, the forecast calls for rain just about all week. Bogus.

Another bounced cheque

I just found out I accidently bounced another cheque! I am so bummed out, its not even funny. Last November I bounced a cheque and I was so pissed off. This time I checked my account balance to make sure I had enough money in there to cover the cheque. There was enough, so I wrote the cheque. Apparently, another cheque that I had wrote earlier hadn't been processed so there wasn't enough funds for this latest cheque. The fucked up thing is, I had written that cheque 14 days earlier. And deposited it into a bank machine, so its not like somebody was hanging onto the cheque and not cashing it. Fuck! I hate business accounts, you never have a proper balance. Now this is going to cost me $40 and who knows what else, maybe fuck up my credit. I am so pissed off.